Photo by: Chloe Ramirez
I’ve had quite a bit of time to sit down and ponder on the last 3.5 years of my life. It has been a hectic ride filled with many triumphs and failures. Failures I consider triumphs as they were the learning experiences encompassing most of my self-growth. However, in the last 6 months I could say the floor beneath me shook tremendously. So much that I felt like my life was turned upside down only for it to miraculously end right side up. The sequence of events that took place during that time period were very much out of my control and at the same time affecting me. Needing to make pivotal decisions, I honestly did not know where to start.
I felt pushed beyond my comfort zone as multiple areas of my life went into a deep flux. During that time the only aspects I could control were within. My emotions and outlook played a big part in grounding myself. I could say it felt quite hard to stay positive or emotionally stable. A mixture of both anger and sadness overcame me and for the first time I let myself feel. Regardless of what people surrounding me decided I should feel, I cried and laid on my bed quite depressed. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know!
However, the baggage that surfaced at this moment was a collection of old stories that still needed attention and healing. Emphasis on the healing part. So as quickly as it came, the self-victimizing party came to an end because action took its place! In 3 months life moved very fast with a constant rhythm of learning invitations put forth in front of me waiting to take a chance. I fucked up plenty and had an argument here and there! Normalcy of being human or at least I started to think so!
Since my 3 year and 6 month long story is quite tedious, miraculous, and long I will spare you the details. Mainly because we would need some tasty tacos, Don Julio Reposado, and time. Lots and lots of time, salt, and lime! In spite of that I will tell you that for a while I’ve looked at myself in the mirror asking: “who really are you?” For the most part I know the answer to that question, but I also know there is more of me I have yet to explore. Inner places I have left untouched or only subtly tapped into.
I am certain that after those last six months, standing on the eve of June, life granted me the gift of a pure white clear canvas. What I wanted before and during those 6 months changed drastically. I changed drastically. I knew I wanted to keep some aspect from before and refine them into the new. Yet, the majority of the things I desired and the people surrounding me no longer felt appetizing.
You know when hard times come and people start showing their true colors? Well yeah! The result: Empty promises and unfulfilled “help.” In fact the least expected people came through. It is funny how life works. Today I look at some old photos I’ve taken and they don’t move me. I scroll through my Instagram feed and I am not as inspired as I used to be. People I’ve dreamt of having a connection with are only but a faint picture in my head. Friends I ‘vibed’ with feel distant. I find myself turning off the radio to songs I used to go crazy over! Interesting right?
I guess my likes and dislikes have shifted. Before I would try to control everything. Force myself to feel inspired, to find a solution, and to reconnect with everything. Yet, the true lesson is letting go and I understood it was time to clear out the old. It feels both terrifying and exhilarating, getting to know myself once again!
I have no idea what the new is looking like. That white canvas is still pretty white. There are a few painted strokes of my new apartment I now call home. The rest is open to exploration, building, expression, and re-invention.
“What do I want?” I asked my ‘self.’ I didn’t have the clearest answer. I always used to. Let’s start with the simplest things.
Someone I used to call a friend told me once that:
“…sometimes life takes everything away in a drastic matter to pave the way for what is truly aligned with your most authentic self. While everything comes into alignment the uncertainty is killer, but the end result is always worth it!”
Although she and I have not reconnected, I find her words resonating brightly in my heart.
What can I tell you guys, “such is life in Paradise.” I say it loudly and proudly! Cannot wait to keep painting on that canvas as new journeys begin to unfold!
Dear past, Thank you and bye! It is time for the new.