It really does take two to make a thing go right…
A while back, we sat one afternoon at a small hipster cafe, La Abadia, near our home in Bogota. I was eating the cream cheese frosting off a moist slice of carrot cake while I watched my dad and Mylo (my stepmom) talk to each other about a foreign subject. There was some steam floating off the mugs on the table and a relaxed Spanish tune lingered in the background.
For two years now I had jokingly expressed to them that we should start a reality TV show called: Marriage 101 featuring them as the main couple. It was not until that moment in the cafe that I understood why I was so infatuated by their relationship. In pure silence I embraced the fact that after 14 years together they simply make it work. It is not that they are right for each other because they enjoy the same food or television shows (because they do not); It is because they are willing to meet each other half way. They enjoy the happy times as much as they enjoy the hard times, because in both cases they are learning experiences for both of them together and individually.
A couple of weeks ago, over some hot green tea, I contemplated what building a relationship with someone else is and truly what I wanted for myself. I have made my fair share of mistakes. There has definitely been occasions that I should have handled better or thought differently, but that is why I learned from them.
I can say I am no expert in the subject of love. Yet, through my experiences,own mistakes, travels, feelings, and the past few years of observing and listening to my dad and Mylo I have gathered a perspective on the subject.
It is neither right nor wrong. It just is. My perspective is not set on stone either. It is pretty open to change with time and new experiences, but I like it so far. Everyone has different perspectives too!
So here is what I gathered:
A relationship starts with being mindful and conscious of our individual things we would like and be willing to change.
Although everyone is imperfectly perfect in this world we all have room to change and become better people. We all have the chance to change those things about ourselves that hinder us and prevent us from moving forward. For example, for a while I was incapable of believing that I could pursue photography or be good enough for anyone.
Yes, those aspects are part of who I am and I am aware of them, but they do not help me in any way, shape, or form. Therefore, with love I accept these crevices within myself, I choose to work on them, I am working on them, and will continue to do so.
A relationship is far from this idea of “perfect,” but it should be fluid like the ocean.
My dad and Mylo foster a relationship based of harmony, stability, understanding, peace, equality, and happiness. Their relationship grows and changes with open communication, because both individuals are willing to change, transform, and compromise for a better outcome. What I am describing is far from perfect, simply fluid. It requires a lot of effort from both ends. When I look at my dad’s and Mylo’s bond I witness their desire to do their own self work, accept each other, and let go of the things they cannot control.
A relationship should complement us not complete us.
Making the conscious decision to commit with someone is also having the clarity that is not our duty to change each other, but to be there through their changes. Building a connection with someone is sharing our own happiness with them and doing things to share experiences together. It is not to take it upon ourselves to make and create someone’s happiness or to make each other whole. We as individuals cannot find happiness within someone else, because it is only truly found within ourselves. When my dad and Mylo both understood the latter, they were not only able to be present in their relationship, but also not pass judgement about each other and themselves.
A relationship is built on both truly listening and communicating clearly.
The trick to any relationship is not being able to express our thoughts and feelings, but being able to express them in a way that the other person can hear them. In addition, it is equally important to listen not to formulate a reply, but to understand. I strictly remember one particular day in which my dad and Mylo were having a disagreement. I remember it not because of the argument, but because of their demeanor. They were civilized. They may not have agreed, but their words were just as impeccable as their time listening. They both had a calm composure without undermining each other. I was shocked! It was not always like this, but the important part is that they made their way here.
Finally, a relationship is learning each other’s love language.
It is as simple as getting to know ourselves and our significant other. From past experiences I can say that we cannot love someone our way and on our own terms. We have to learn to love them the way they need to be loved, as well as, express how we need to be loved. In order to do the latter we have to know who we fully are and what we truly want for ourselves and with someone else.
How do our partners talk love? Is it through words of affirmation? Maybe acts of service? Is it possible that it is by receiving gifts? Or is it through quality time and physical touch? Then, how do we as individuals talk love? Interesting right!
This little piece of information, I did not figure out just through observation. My dad and Mylo actually sat with me and touched a little bit about what is to really be in love. In other words, what happens after the high of the honeymoon period is over and the real stuff begins.
I can only say that I am working on all points that I talked above. I have yet to master all of them! Only human.
If you have any thoughts I would love to hear them! Leave them below 🙂 Thank you dad and Mylo for being living examples, and my past loves for being my teachers! I learned quite a bit from all of you and am a better person for it!
I wish you all a very warm Happy Valentine’s Day and a harmonious relationship!
With love and best of energies,
~M